Crafting stories of rebellion

One day, out of the blue, my oldest child stated matter-of-factly to me: "Mommy, I think you could be in the Rebel Girls book."

The book she was referring to is Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls: 100 Tales of Extraordinary Women (by Elena Favilli and Francesca Cavallo). So...there are some real icons in there!

Taken aback, touched and curious, I asked, "What would my story be about?" She thought for a moment, then shrugged and said, "I don't know yet. But I'll save the last page for you."

Wow. I was deeply moved. And, in awe.

She was holding a huge container for me to grow into...to Become More.

She believed in me.

In that moment, I could feel my own belief in myself grow. Any disappointment or doubt I had about my life - the paths not taken, the milestones not achieved, the person I thought I'd be but wasn't - seemed to dissolve in an instant, and I felt a new sense of hope and possibility emerge.

My story's still being written, I remembered with a smile. I'm still crafting it!

I wanted to invite you to remember this today: you're still writing your story too. And that means you still have the opportunity to find your voice, take a stand for what matters most, and share who you are with the world... You're crafting your story of rebellion one choice at a time.

And, I want you to know that I'm holding a huge container for YOU...to grow into and become who you're truly meant to be.

I believe in you.

So...what's the rebel story you long to write with your life?

I’m holding a page in this book for YOUR story.

A midnight conversation with my inner child

These days it’s incredibly challenging to get any quality time to myself with our whole family within the same walls.

My inner child has been feeling so neglected, so alone, so upset, that she couldn’t sleep. So this is the time of day (2:45am) that I needed to take to be with her.

So far she’s heaved huge sobs with me while she shared how trapped she’s felt in our life... how the huge expectations we’ve placed on her have been crushing her... how she feels she has to have it all together, be out there serving the world in a very visible way, handle everything with ease because she has all the right tools - she is a coach after all! - and how terrified she is of having anyone find out how she’s not measuring up... how ashamed she feels about failing so miserably, letting down everyone around her because she’s not her best self, and disappointing herself most of all... and how she just wants to bail on everything and hide out under her covers.

I just sat with her, witnessed it, held space for her silently and waited for the sobs to subside. Then I mirrored back what I was hearing: that this crippling perfectionism she was feeling was taking over her body, taking her down.

She paused. Yes, that’s what’s happening, isn’t it? she gasped. It feels like it’s got me in its grips.

We are going to get through this, I said calmly. In fact, someday we are going to write an article on “how I overcame the ravaging disease of perfectionism.”

And then I could feel things start to shift.

Huh. she said. That’s a nice thought. I’d like to write that.

Yes, I said. And we will.

Pause.

That’s who we want to speak to, isn’t it? she asked. People who are grappling with this same affliction? This is our journey, and that’s who we are meant to speak to, right?

Yes, I said. That’s it, you’ve got it.

How do we do that? she asked.

We model imperfection.

How? That sounds so foreign and scary!

Well, we start one small step at a time, showing up as we are.

What does that look like? she asked.

Well, everyday, we can pick one small truth to share about what we are going through. We speak up in meetings, we post online, we do videos, we write emails. And we celebrate each time we do. No matter what the outcome is.

Ok.... one small truth seems doable, she says. What else?

We can set intentions for desired outcomes, and we go about our days. We do business. We parent. We teach. We create. Whenever we make a mistake, I’ll make sure to stop, give you a hug, and remind us that We’re Ok, We’re Human and Still Learning. What matters most is that We Tried. And then we’ll put our heads together to decide what to do next - our do-over. How does that sound?

That sounds really nice! She cried. I’m so tired of feeling judged and wrong for what I do!

I know, I say. Our ego is awfully quick to judge. She thinks she’s protecting you by ensuring you fit in and belong. But she’s forgetting something important.

What?

That we are Loved Unconditionally as we are. That we already Belong because we were born on this planet at this time to do something that only we can do. The world needs us.

Wow... That’s beautiful!

It is, isn’t it?.... What do you say....is it time for bed now?

Yes, I’d like that. Thank you for being with me tonight and helping me feel better.

Of course. I’d do anything for you because I love you no matter what.

[I originally posted this on Facebook, on March 20, 2020. I was startled to come back to it a day later and find an outpouring of concern and support from my family and friends! I hadn’t intended it to be a cry for help, but rather felt moved to share this outpouring of self-love, compassion and wisdom in the hopes of modelling it.]

The “How” that actually matters.

You know when you have a new idea that you’re excited about?

And as soon as you get beyond the “What” and maybe dip a toe into the “Why”, you jump right to the “How”?

We humans barely give ourselves time to really enjoy dreaming into an idea - to revel in its deliciousness, or be thrilled by the possibilities - before we jump right to figuring out the logistics.

“How will I make this work? Who will I ask to help?” we ask. “When would I even find time to make this happen? What will I need to give up, or take on? Will it be worth all the effort I’ll put in?”

Which quickly becomes: “Am I even ready to take this on?…No, this will never work.”

In an instant, we can talk ourselves out of a GENIUS idea, simply because the HOW is unclear.

But that’s the How of Doing.

We can’t possibly know what circumstances, people or opportunities will present themselves to help us accomplish our idea.

But we can admit there are many different ways we might go about something and get the same result…right?

So, the only “How” we can control - and that truly matters then - is the How of Being.

How will you show up in each moment? What kind of person will you be while you’re making this happen? What qualities of your character will inform what you do? Which of your gifts can you tap into?

When you focus on how you will BE, the path of how you’ll DO it gets revealed.

Everything begins in the Being Place.

Exploring the edges of our vulnerability

Every morning, I begin my work day by sitting in stillness. Some mornings I start my stillness practice by reading a section of a book that I feel drawn to on my shelf. Today's was Dare to Lead, by Brené Brown.

This quote leapt off the page for me...which means it was what just I needed to hold onto for today:

“Our ability to be daring leaders will never be greater than our capacity for vulnerability.”

— Brené Brown

It resonated because I feel called to be a daring leader.

And yet, I can sense where the limits are to my vulnerability. I can just make their edges, as if I’m navigating a dark room.

Here's where I’ve noticed the edges of my vulnerability extending to these days:

• Standing up and declaring that

  I AM ENOUGH.

  I don't have to DO anything to be loved, I am already worthy of it.
  
  It’s taken a long time to get here, and I am proud that I can now say this comfortably…sitting down. It's the metaphorical standing up and declaring it that feels vulnerable. There is a part of me that feels threatened so resists the effort.
  

• Rooting myself in absolute conviction of WHAT I WILL DO.
  
  I'm sooo much clearer and certain on what I’m here on this earth to do….And yet, there's still a small and insidious Question skulking around in the shadows that taunts: Are you surrrre?
  

• Leaning full-on into Faith that the HOW will be revealed to me, at the right time.
  
  Over the past year, I’ve learned to trust the Universe more. Now that I’m paying attention to what appears in my life, I’m far more certain that there are no “coincidences”. So I make requests of the Universe, and I take small steps forward, keeping my eye out for signs that the Universe has delivered. But it still feels scary to take those big steps…like walking off the edge of a cliff and having Faith that a bridge across will be built under my feet as I go.
  

• Sharing stories about myself freely, in my sometimes roundabout and animated way, speaking my Truth…so I inspire others to be fully-expressed and true to themselves.
  
  I've witnessed myself doing this more and more over the years, mostly in one-on-one conversations, with the right company. But I still fall into "performing" - which for me is recounting stories with diluted emotion and withheld details - when I have more of an audience or I feel Judgment’s presence.
  

• Choosing to answer the question “How are you?” from a place of gratitude, abundance and joy.

  
  Though I’ve been consciously choosing a different, more expansive story to tell on the whole, I still find myself seduced daily by the desire to "connect" with someone over our shared stories of struggle, scarcity and limitation (ie. "I'm exhausted, I'm working so hard, there’s not enough time, I just can't seem to catch a break.") It's always easy to find people to commiserate with, so I always feel like I “belong”.

The practice of expanding our capacity for vulnerability is in taking baby steps forward, conducting experiments.

So, over to you…..

Where do the edges of your vulnerability extend to?

I invite you to explore, and simply notice…without judgment or attachment.

• Do you have a hard time admitting you could really use some help?
  What if you were to ask for help with one thing and see how that feels?

• Are you ashamed to admit when you're dropping balls because you're afraid of disappointing people?

  What if you let one person know you’re having a hard time keeping up, and see what happens?

• Does it feel uncomfortable to put your schedule on pause and take time for yourself?

  What if you started with just ten minutes of “you time”….Notice what difference that makes.

What’s getting in the way of you being a daring leader? What’s one experiment you can take in this area to expand your capacity for vulnerability?

The life-changing magic of scheduling in advance

How do you keep on top of all life’s many details?

This morning I was congratulating myself on booking my “put-snow-tires-on” appointment at a suitable time because snow is now in the forecast. And then I thought, you know, I could probably book the “take-snow-tires-off” appointment in advance and be reasonably accurate on the timing for that too. After all, I’ve lived through several winters in this city now and seen some fairly consistent patterns!

It suddenly dawned on me that I’ve gradually been scheduling in advance more and more of my appointments and routines over the past year….and it’s made my life so much EASIER!

Now, for anyone who’s saying “Duh, that’s a pretty obvious thing to do” then this post isn’t for you anyway. Before I had kids, I always thought I was a very organized person. Turns out not so much. After acquiring kids, a house, more possessions, and many responsibilities, there are now way more moving parts for me to organize. And it turns out I’m actually more of a “creative, big picture, follow the energy in the moment” kind of person. If that’s you too, and you notice you’re consistently scrambling to keep up with your to-do list, then I invite you to read on. ;-)

I’d say the practice of consciously scheduling in advance first started with my hairdresser. I never used to schedule hair cuts in advance; rather, I’d wait until I was in that “Ugh, I can’t stand my hair and I need it cut TODAY!” place….and then I’d call and schedule the first available slot with anyone free, which sometimes wasn’t for another week, and I’d have to shuffle my days around to accommodate the last-minute appointment. It took me awhile to catch on that my hair needs to be cut every 3 months. So, one day when they asked, “Would you like to schedule your next appointment?” I just began taking them up on it.

And I started seeing the benefits of this right away: I got to choose a time of day and week when I’m not at my most productive and energetic, and trade that time slot for a guaranteed date to relax, get pampered and feel re-energized! Win-win!

Last winter, I noticed a similar pattern around massages. I was consistently getting myself in a tight spot (ha!) trying to get an available appointment when I needed it most. And then, I began taking note of when I tended to be at my lowest energetically (time of month) and tended to be most stressed out (after putting on a big event) and I scheduled a few massages in advance for around those times. What a gift that turned out to be! It was as though I’d received a note from my past self: “Dear self. Thought you could really use this. Enjoy! Love me.”

So far I’ve only talked about self care, but I’ve used this scheduling-in-advance practice in other areas too:

• Hours put aside to plan and later prep for my kids’ birthday parties (the event & notification repeats every year)

• Doctors and dentist check-ups, yearly flu shots, etc.

• Times set aside each year for Christmas list making, card signing/mailing, shopping

• Times each year for choosing, budgeting for, and registering for kids’ camps (before I miss the deadlines and they’re full! It’s happened more times than I care to admit)

• A weekend day each season to switch out seasonal clothes, gear, furniture, etc.

• Seasonal tasks like raking (so we don’t end up booking time out of town on those weekends when they really need to get done. For instance, right now is typically when all the leaves are falling and snow is on the way, and raking needs to get done this weekend so people don’t slip on our sidewalk full of slimy/icy leaves).

• And so much more!

Now, I’m not advocating for scheduling away every second of our lives and losing all flexibility to deal with things in the moment. I’m talking about scheduling in the Important things we need to do on a regular basis - but that we typically put off scheduling or doing until they become Critical.

Health Maintenance. Connecting with certain family and friends we don’t see often. “Filling our buckets” before our buckets are bone dry. Exercise. Meal prep. Caring for our home and major possessions so they last longer.

All of these things are integral to sustaining ourselves, to thriving. When we schedule them in, they’re given the priority, or the time and space they deserve, and there’s a greater chance they’ll get done before they’re urgent.

We’re living in a magical age…We can use technology to remind us of what’s most Important so our minds don’t have to be weighed down with as many details!

These days, I’ve been digging even deeper into my schedule and pre-booking regular “breathing room” into my coaching days so I’m at my best for my clients. And I’m looking closely at scheduling different types of business activities to match the natural energy levels of my monthly cycle and the seasons. (I have Kate Northrup’s book Do Less to thank for that insight…. Revolutionary!) It’s all a work in progress, but I’m enjoying the space that’s been opening up in my mind and my days.

So, over to you.

What regular appointments, routines, tasks, etc. creep up on you each week, month, season, year and leave you scrambing? If you take some time to think back, do you notice a pattern of how often they occur or a rough time of year when they usually need to get done? Will you schedule some of these in advance so you don’t have to think about them?

And then, if you’d share your ideas, we can all benefit!

Here’s to creating ease in our lives…..