These days it’s incredibly challenging to get any quality time to myself with our whole family within the same walls.
My inner child has been feeling so neglected, so alone, so upset, that she couldn’t sleep. So this is the time of day (2:45am) that I needed to take to be with her.
So far she’s heaved huge sobs with me while she shared how trapped she’s felt in our life... how the huge expectations we’ve placed on her have been crushing her... how she feels she has to have it all together, be out there serving the world in a very visible way, handle everything with ease because she has all the right tools - she is a coach after all! - and how terrified she is of having anyone find out how she’s not measuring up... how ashamed she feels about failing so miserably, letting down everyone around her because she’s not her best self, and disappointing herself most of all... and how she just wants to bail on everything and hide out under her covers.
I just sat with her, witnessed it, held space for her silently and waited for the sobs to subside. Then I mirrored back what I was hearing: that this crippling perfectionism she was feeling was taking over her body, taking her down.
She paused. Yes, that’s what’s happening, isn’t it? she gasped. It feels like it’s got me in its grips.
We are going to get through this, I said calmly. In fact, someday we are going to write an article on “how I overcame the ravaging disease of perfectionism.”
And then I could feel things start to shift.
Huh. she said. That’s a nice thought. I’d like to write that.
Yes, I said. And we will.
Pause.
That’s who we want to speak to, isn’t it? she asked. People who are grappling with this same affliction? This is our journey, and that’s who we are meant to speak to, right?
Yes, I said. That’s it, you’ve got it.
How do we do that? she asked.
We model imperfection.
How? That sounds so foreign and scary!
Well, we start one small step at a time, showing up as we are.
What does that look like? she asked.
Well, everyday, we can pick one small truth to share about what we are going through. We speak up in meetings, we post online, we do videos, we write emails. And we celebrate each time we do. No matter what the outcome is.
Ok.... one small truth seems doable, she says. What else?
We can set intentions for desired outcomes, and we go about our days. We do business. We parent. We teach. We create. Whenever we make a mistake, I’ll make sure to stop, give you a hug, and remind us that We’re Ok, We’re Human and Still Learning. What matters most is that We Tried. And then we’ll put our heads together to decide what to do next - our do-over. How does that sound?
That sounds really nice! She cried. I’m so tired of feeling judged and wrong for what I do!
I know, I say. Our ego is awfully quick to judge. She thinks she’s protecting you by ensuring you fit in and belong. But she’s forgetting something important.
What?
That we are Loved Unconditionally as we are. That we already Belong because we were born on this planet at this time to do something that only we can do. The world needs us.
Wow... That’s beautiful!
It is, isn’t it?.... What do you say....is it time for bed now?
Yes, I’d like that. Thank you for being with me tonight and helping me feel better.
Of course. I’d do anything for you because I love you no matter what.
[I originally posted this on Facebook, on March 20, 2020. I was startled to come back to it a day later and find an outpouring of concern and support from my family and friends! I hadn’t intended it to be a cry for help, but rather felt moved to share this outpouring of self-love, compassion and wisdom in the hopes of modelling it.]