A Self-care lesson, delivered by bicycle

Have you ever sensed the universe is trying to send you a message?

Yesterday, I had that experience.

On my bike ride home, I decided to stop at the coffee shop a block from my house. After sitting and relaxing for awhile, I needed to get home, and so I began walking alongside my bike, steering with one hand while precariously holding the coffee cup in the other hand (and trying hard not to spill the liquid gold down my leg!)

About halfway down the block, I suddenly felt the sharp pain of the pedal scrape my calf. Ouch!

I took a breath to ease the pain then kept walking, still balancing the coffee and trying to steer. A minute later, it happened again. Ugh! Double ouch!

As I limped to my gate and cautiously maneuvered my way through, it happened a third time - and I had the sudden flash of recognition: Oh, this is a metaphor for my LIFE!

You see, for the past few weeks (ok, years) my Inner Critic has been repeatedly causing me pain by pointing out all the ways I'm not measuring up as a parent, partner, friend, family member, coach (and the list goes on).

It just loves to point out places where I'm stumbling, dropping the ball or failing miserably. It brings up the evidence and tells me, very matter-of-factly: "See? You just don’t have what it takes."

It's so convincing because it speaks in MY VOICE. I mistake it for being the authority.

I keep listening and believing what it tells me.

And the pain keeps increasing. In fact, it can become so debilitating at times that I can't seem to take a step forward.

Can you relate to this?

We all have an Inner Critic - this "voice of authority" - inside our head.

Sometimes we are aware of what it's saying to us because it stops us in our tracks and makes us question our decisions, doubt our dreams, feel like giving up, say yes to things we don't want because it's the "responsible" choice, etc.

Other times its voice flies under our radar like a song playing quietly in the background - and we don't know why we're feeling tense or anxious or resigned.

The verses might differ slightly for each of us but the chorus is essentially the same:

"You're not enough.
Who do you think you are?
Your voice won't matter.
You don't belong here."

Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. It just keeps hitting us and hurting us.

Are you cringing, tense or squirming in discomfort? It can be hard to hear the Inner Critic's messages out loud like this.

After all, we would never speak to someone we loved that way. And yet, we speak to ourselves this way all the time. It's so painful.

But we can do something about it.

Back to the pain-inducing bike-pedal metaphor:

I realized in that moment that I could move my body away from the bike pedal so it didn’t scrape me anymore. (I know...Genius.)

AND, I recognized that I could also create some distance from my Inner Critic so it stops hurting me.

How does one do that exactly?

Here are two ways:

1. Take regular pauses in our day to listen in.
   Even sitting in stillness for 5 minutes a few times a day can do wonders for our mental & emotional well-being. It gives us a moment to turn inward, and notice our thoughts and their effect on us.

2. Label the Inner Critic as "It".
   As soon as we notice thoughts that sound critical, judgy, finger-waggy, extreme, or unrealistic we dissociate ourselves from them by saying something like: "Oh - there It is again!" or "Hmm, my Inner Critic is being awfully harsh."

The "Inner Critic" is a mix of internalized messages we received growing up by the well-meaning people in our lives and culture. They were just trying to keep us safe and help us fit in with "our tribe."

These messages served their purpose in the short-term by keeping us alive and behaving appropriately... but they don't serve us in the long-term in becoming who we are meant to be. Separating our true Self from these messages is essential for our personal growth and spiritual evolution.

Viktor Frankl, an Austrian neurologist, psychologist and Holocaust survivor said:

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

When we quiet our mind and create space from these thoughts, we get the chance to discern that they are lies, old stories, and outdated "rules" holding us back.

And then we can choose kinder, more empowering thoughts to carry us forward. We can choose responses that are proactive and grow us.

As Einstein so wisely said: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

What the universe was trying to tell me through that bike pedal was that I need to create space from what is hurting me.

That's my wish for you too. May you create some much-needed space from your Inner Critic today so you can hear the voice of your true Self.

It knows:

You are already enough AND you are becoming more.

Here's to taking steps forward, unhindered and free.

Woman photo created by freepik

Wish you had a moment to catch your breath?

It's certainly been a hard year for all of us. It's forced us again and again to face what we're most challenged by... whether it's uncomfortable emotions... the loss of what's important to us... deeply-held limiting beliefs... problematic behaviours within us, our loved ones or the world at large... or all of the above!

It's been one long period of reckoning, hasn't it? And, with reckoning, comes the possibility of growth.

For me, one of the biggest places I've grown has been in my capacity for self care.

I've witnessed myself move from an Intellectual knowing that self-care is important (and struggling to make it happen consistently) to a Soul knowing that I'm worthy of self-care (AND I have the power to make it happen). This has been HUGE for me, as I come from a long line of martyrs!

Of course, it's still a work in progress, but the biggest discovery I've made this year has been how easy it can be to fill my well again by "stealing back" small moments in my day.

And I'm so committed to supporting YOU in putting yourself first, in service of your highest Self and the people in your life.

I'm passionate about creating safe, sacred spaces where people have permission to BE.

We all need time to pause in our days. We all long for a place where we can escape to - where ALL aspects of ourselves are welcome and there's no need to fix or change any of it.

A refuge. A resting place. An opportunity to press RESET.

And with that in mind, I'm excited to invite you to the first (of many, I hope!):

"BE-IN"

On Tuesday, March 16, join me on Facebook Live from 1:00-1:20 pm EST to PAUSE from all the DOING, catch your breath and re-center in your BEING place.

For twenty whole minutes, you don’t have to DO anything, aside from tune in and give yourself permission to be present.

I'll lead you through a guided meditation that's one of my personal favourites, guaranteed to leave you feeling more grounded as you re-enter your day.

It's a simple and beautiful way to "steal back" some of your power. Because, as I'm always learning, we don't have to let the circumstances of our day define us. We get to choose how we show up. And why not choose to feel re-centered, re-aligned and rejuvenated?

You are certainly worthy of this gift to yourself.

“Loving ourselves up”

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I thought I'd share some things I've learned over the past two months - both the hard way and the easy way - about Self-Love.

Taking time throughout our day to connect to ourselves - to “love ourselves up” - is not selfish. It's deeply loving. It's actually the biggest gift we can give ourselves and others. When we show up as our best, we're able to serve and care for others in a way that's truly helpful and impactful.

Practicing Self-Care throughout our day cannot be a luxury for "when we have time." It's essential to our success. It's the very antidote to stress, anxiety, frustration and overwhelm.

Sigh. The wise parts of ourselves *know* all this to be true, don't they? But it can be so hard to put into practice.

How many of us say to ourselves, when life becomes full of urgent priorities and it's up to us to get it all done and take care of everyone:

"I have no choice but to put myself last. I'll just have to push through."

Sound familiar?

And how many of us are hard on ourselves when we don't show up as our best in those moments, blaming and shaming ourselves with some version of: "If I was just more____ then I'd be able to handle this all better!"

We've all been there. I sure have.

Even though much of my work as a coach is helping my clients slow down and connect to themselves so they can cultivate greater Self-Love and Compassion, I’ve still struggled at times to do this in my own life.

Recently, I spent my days bouncing between supervising virtual learning, parenting restless, frustrated kids, coaching clients, and participating in a rigorous training program. I poured all my energy into supporting, navigating others' emotions, care-giving and deep listening... and since my usual time slots for self-care practices had been eaten up by the extra demands, I fell into old patterns of putting everyone else first. I didn't do what I needed to "fill my cup" first.

It's no surprise to me that I struggled big-time. The anxiety, frustration and overwhelm of trying to be everything to everyone leaked out into my relationships and work, and my self-confidence plummeted. It was a humbling lesson.

But just the month before, I had a self-care practice firmly in place with set times in my day to escape to my room to breathe, check in with my emotions, process them and bring in the energies of Love, Compassion, Hope, and Trust. When my husband got sick, and I suddenly had to care for the whole family on my own, this self-care practice was my life raft… and I managed to navigate the constant care-giving, sleep deprivation, round-the-clock vigilant sanitizing and more with surprising ease, calm, patience, gratitude and even joy.

Leaning into Self-Love, Self-Compassion and Self-Care in the tough moments is the key to our emotional resiliency, mental well-being and success.

And I'm committed to helping you integrate Self-Care practices into your daily life no matter what's going on.

Here's a quick and easy practice you can do every day to call in love and compassion when you need it most:

1. Find a quiet room - it could even be the bathroom!

2. Close your eyes and breathe deeply for 3 breaths.

3. Put one hand on your heart, and the other hand on your belly, and repeat this to yourself as you breathe:

In this moment, I am doing enough.
In this moment, I have enough.
In this moment, I am enough.

In this moment,
I am doing enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.

You can also listen to the audio version here.

This practice is powerful and effective because it provides a short-cut to that wise part of yourself that knows:

• You already have within you the resources you need.

• All that's required is to take one step at a time. One moment at a time.

• The means, not the outcome, is the most important. You, showing up as your best, from a place of Love, is Enough.

Sending Love to you today. ️

Ordering help from the universe

We all need to ask for help at times.

There are some situations that feel too daunting, confusing, stressful or overwhelming to handle on our own. And we have tasks, projects, goals, visions and dreams which require the support of others to realize.

We can certainly go directly to our family, friends, neighbours and communities for help. But there’s another source of support we can turn to, which is always available and willing to help.

Call it whatever resonates for you: God, Goddess, Allah, Universe, Great Spirit, Universal Love, Unseen Friends, Divine, Source… the name doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you can find a part of yourself that believes this higher power is a loving, benevolent energy that wants to help us all bring out the highest, most loving expression of ourselves.

When we pay attention, we see this higher power has a way of providing us with what we truly want and need to evolve. When we put out the energy of “I need help” or “I want this”, the universe will deliver it in any number of ways: coincidences, “lucky breaks”, the right contacts at the right time, blessings in disguise, people or circumstances that challenge us to grow…

This “evolutionary support” does not always appear in the form we’d expect or prefer, but it is being delivered to us, constantly.

The great news is, we don’t have to sit here feeling powerless, hoping the universe will send some support or relief soon!

We can co-create with the universe in a proactive, deliberate way.

Here are 3 RULES of effective communication to making clear, compelling REQUESTS FOR HELP.

1. Use positive language to frame your request.

   Put simply, ask for what you DO want, not for what you don’t want.

   We paint pictures with our words and these have an energy associated with it. Framing our requests in the positive helps us create the right energy and makes it easier to understand the message. Take an ask like: “Please don’t let me completely blank on this presentation!” You get a vivid image of someone standing there like a deer the headlights, feeling anxious and humiliated, right? This word picture is so powerful, that the “Don’t” part before it doesn’t have much effect.

   Same goes for a prayer of “Stop the divisiveness and hate”… it will be infused with fear, anger & despair.

   Also, if you were speaking to a person, their brains would have to work doubly hard to interpret the opposite action so they understand what they can do to help.

   Finally, if you’re in a noisy place (which I imagine the universe might be???) and the first word is missed, the whole message would be misunderstood completely.

   The above request could be reframed as “Send me the right words at the right time during my presentation.”
   

2. Be as specific as possible.

   The more details you provide, the easier it is for the universe to understand how they can help.

   As a dear coach friend once told me: Make requests from the universe like you would order pizza. You wouldn’t call up a pizza place and say “Please send me pizza.” The person on the other end would be left wondering: how many, what size, what toppings, when, where?

   Make your ask as detailed as possible. For example: “Please send me a new freelancing gig, worth $3,000, by next Friday, designing websites for a social justice non-profit full of sweet people who are easy to work with.”

   There isn’t any confusion there in what you want, is there?

   NOTE: The universe may not always deliver things in exactly the form you “ordered”, but being clear with the specific details can help you be more alert for the delivery - and more amazed and appreciative of how it arrives!
   

3. Infuse your request with the emotional energy you want to experience.

   This is the most important element of your ask. The energy you put out will be matched in what you receive back.

   Let yourself envision what success will look like. What will this support make possible? Why is that so important to you? Let yourself experience those emotions as if your request was already answered.

   Being clear about the emotional outcome you desire gives both you and the universe an indicator of success. If the support doesn’t show up in the exact way you expect, you’ll still recognize it by how it feels.

Those are the three simple rules to create clear, effective and compelling requests to the universe. (As I’m sure you noticed, they are highly effective in making asks for help in the human world too!)

Let this practice empower you.

It can give you a sense of control in this crazy world when you are proactively attending to your needs, putting positive energy out there and actively receiving help to further your dreams.

This practice of making requests of the universe will definitely help you build and strengthen your “asking for help” and “receiving” muscles in the human world too. 😁

What DO you want?

Let’s face it, we all have situations in our lives that feel hard, confusing, frustrating, scary or overwhelming.

For example:

A difficult conversation we know we need to have - but really don’t want to!

A project or task that feels so daunting we don’t know where to start.

A small, precious(!) window of free time that we could/should spend in so many different ways.

A big, important, life-altering decision we need to make.

It’s times like these that our thoughts can go into overdrive: analyzing pros and cons, playing out many different scenarios, rationalizing, second-guessing, worrying about ways it could all go wrong.

Our hearts race. Our breathing quickens. We tense up. It feels like a part of us is standing there with hands on hips saying: “C’mon, do something already!” while another part wants to say, “NO! I don’t want to! It’s too hard!” - or hide under the covers until it’s all done. ;-)

I have felt like this too many times to count - especially in my journeys as an entrepreneur and parent!

But I’ve come to rely on a simple practice that calms and focuses me instantly, and connects me to a clear desired outcome and next right step.

The practice, known as Order Form To The Universe (created by Heather Dominick), invites you to get fully present, consider the situation or task, and write as many answers as you can to the following questions:

What DON’T I want (to have happen)?

What DON’T I want to feel?

What DO I want (to have happen)?

What DO I want to feel?

How do I want OTHERS to feel?

These questions will help you get crystal clear on your desired outcome… and, in doing so, the means - the HOW - becomes much clearer as well. Then, all you need to do is take the next inspired action, with gratitude and trust that it will set in motion the outcome you seek.

This practice connects you to your higher self so you can take action that’s in alignment. It helps you take ownership of the reality you are creating. And that’s pretty powerful.

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