I believe in magic

"Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it; Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it."  ~ Goethe

This quote captivated me in my early twenties, and I kept in close for many years. When I stumbled across it again this morning, I realized I felt as exhilarated today as the first time I read it all those years ago. Those words: Boldness, Genius, Power, Magic. They still make me feel ALIVE with possibility!

Today, though, the quote crystallized what I now know and understand as a life coach.

When we choose to take steps toward what we truly want and dream of, we are being courageous, because we are choosing to ignore all the voices in our heads and out in the world saying No, it can’t be done. No, it’s too risky. No, you don’t deserve to have it. Every time we take a step forward, it’s an act of defiance…We’re essentially looking those naysayers in the eye, and saying calmly: “Thank you…And I’m going to do it anyway.” That is BOLD and POWERFUL!

Furthermore, when we commit to, and actively go after what our heart really wants, we are giving outward expression to our true nature, our ‘authentic’ or essential self. This is the part of ourselves that’s naturally loving, wise, creative, resourceful and resilient. It’s completely unique - comprised of our secret sauce of natural talents, personality, background and experiences shaping who we are. This is the place of our genius and our power.

And finally, when we are pursuing this dream of ours with our whole hearts, we feel energized, excited, and purposeful. We are at our very best. And that, my friends, THAT is where the magic happens. When we are showing up at our best, we naturally share our talents, joy, generosity, kindness with those around us. We TRANSFORM the lives of others and the world we live in.

When we choose to live in a way that lights us up, we light up the lives of others as well.

So…go begin what your heart is calling you to do.

And then have fun watching the magic you create.

{Poof!}

Making space for what matters

If I had to provide the essential theme of Adulthood it would be “Making Decisions and Being Responsible” That’s pretty much what we adults do all day long, isn’t it?

Even when we’re not consciously “making decisions”, we are still determining outcomes for ourselves based on our actions. Doing nothing, or not speaking up, IS an action – a choice that has consequences.

I know all of us have had tasks, projects or responsibilities that we hesitated to take on, but took on anyway. Maybe a committee at work, a school fundraiser, an extra shift, all the meal planning, a community event? I personally found myself the head of an event committee recently, which was more work than I’d wanted.

We take things on for many reasons: no one else was stepping forward, we wanted it done right, it would make someone happy, we liked the idea of it and just wanted to be in the know, it would make us look good… In any case, when the task or activity is not the right fit – ie. it’s not in line with our strengths and values – we can end up feeling stuck, over-committed, overwhelmed and resentful. Our lives get filled with stress, or ’emotional clutter’ as a result.

Here’s what the wise part of me knows to be true: ’Sucking it up’, ‘going it alone’, and ’feeling stuck’ ARE choices…AND, we can choose to say No or ask for help AT ANY TIME!

That’s what’s beautiful about this ‘Being Responsible’ thing: We are ALWAYS at choice. It’s what being Responsible means — Able to Choose a Response.

We can choose to say NO to what doesn’t serve us…and this gives us the space to say YES to – and really enjoy – what matters most to us. Those things are what we LOVE. Those things are what give us energy, meaning and purpose!

So in looking critically at what’s on YOUR proverbial plate, or about to be, what obligations have you feeling resentful or overwhelmed? What are about to take on that has you feeling reluctant? What specifically is it about the task or project has you feeling this way?

You have some choices available to make here:

• You can Proceed as Planned (ie. keep going and don’t change anything) and suffer

• You can say No to the whole task

• You can Make a Request that will meet your needs (ie. asking for help)

In case you were wondering, I opted for a fourth choice and changed my perspective on the task so it felt more fulfilling.

I know saying No and Asking for Help can be challenging for some people – me too , sometimes! If you’d appreciate some ideas, maybe even some scripts, message me, and we can set up time to chat!

Here’s to making space for what matters.

Act as if...

I recently came across an article that beautifully illustrates the power and potential of deliberate living. Don't be put off by the title - it sounds gimicky, but there's more to it.

"How to Reverse Aging and Become Whoever You Want to Be" by Benjamin P. Hardy opens by describing an incredible series of studies done from 1978-1981 by psychologist Ellen Langer.

In one of the studies Benjamin describes, the interior of a nursing home was redesigned to reflect the styles and conditions of the year 1959 -- complete with black-and-white TVs, period furniture, and reading materials from the 1950s. The incoming male residents, all over 70 at the time, were instructed to only discuss news and sporting events from that era, to refer to themselves, their families and their careers as if they were in 1959, and to essentially live as if they were their 50-year-old selves. They were treated by staff as if they were fully independent 50-year-olds instead of individuals that needed canes for walking and relied on others to carry their belongings. They were expected to get around on their own and carry their own things -- even if it meant going very slowly or carrying one item at a time.

Benjamin reveals the fascinating and exciting result of the study: in just 5 days, the residents were all noticeably healthier. Their eyesight and hearing had improved. Their memory and appetite and dexterity were better. Those that came into the nursing home with canes and who were dependent on others for help left walking on their own and carrying their own suitcases.

Benjamin states:

"By expecting these men to function independently, and by engaging with them as individuals rather than 'old people,' Langer and her students gave these men 'an opportunity to see themselves differently,' which affected them biologically."

Wow. What incredible power the human mind has. And what an exciting implication for all of us: we can choose who we want to become - what qualities we wish to possess - and then by acting as if it were already true, we make it happen.

Benjamin P. Hardy goes on to outline simple steps for achieving big goals:

1. Determine your goal.

2. Commit to your goal by leaping into situations that require you to live up to your goal.

3. Determine the roles you will need to play in the various situations you create.

4. Act the part until you become the part.

5. Develop relationships with people who have your back and can help you achieve your goals.

6. Repeat -- but at higher levels, with more strenuous leaps.

Some of the questions Benjamin says we need to ask ourselves as we imagine our goals is:

• Who do I need to be to achieve this goal?

• What 'role' or 'character' will I play?

• How do I want to influence those around me?

• What will my voice be?

My job as a Co-Active life coach is to help people define their big goals and consider the answers to the above questions. I also support them on their journey to act as if - except that I notice, reflect back and champion who they already ARE. I love witnessing people leaning into being who they are, which fuels them to become the individuals they always dreamed of being.

Photo credit: Power pose by Amy Cuddy at PopTech 2011 by Erik (HASH) Hersman is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Benjamin's article summarizes nicely the WHY of deliberate living: when we design our lives and make conscious choices to live by our design, we empower ourselves, we become more authentic, and we improve our mental and physical health!

Challenge: What big goal do you want to go after but are currently reluctant to pursue? What are some ways you can act as if your goal was already achieved? For example: Who do you need to BE to achieve your goal?

The power of Yet

Imagine living in a world where there was no "Pass" or "Fail"...where if you didn't do well at something important, you simply got a "Not Yet." How might that change your outlook on trying the same thing again?

In her TED Talk, psychologist Carol Dweck tells of a high school in Chicago that would hand out the grade "Not Yet" if a student didn't pass a course. Hearing about these grades got Dweck thinking in a new way...and this led to ground-breaking research and her hugely influential book, MindSet.

Dweck describes two mindsets people can have:

In the 'fixed' mindset, we view our abilities - like intelligence, creativity, athleticism, musical talent, etc. - as innate and static. In other words, we believe we either 'have it', or we don't - and we see our abilities as part of our identity. So when we fail, we tend to feel we are a failure, and we can get discouraged and give up. People with a fixed mindset can spend a lot of energy trying to prove ourselves, seeking validation and obsessing over being perfect.

Conversely, in the 'growth' mindset, we believe abilities can be developed at any time if we put in the work, and they are completely separate from who we are at our core. We understand that we are always on a learning curve and our growth is still in progress. So if we don't perform as well, we learn from our errors, correct them, and work hard to keep improving.

Developing a growth mindset helps you thrive when the going gets tough

It's easy to see how operating from a growth mindset would make us happier and mentally healthier, and make success easier to attain.

However, Dweck cautions, because of our culture's tendency to put so much focus and rewards on our talents, grades, achievements, touchdowns, status, etc., so many of us are steeped in the fixed mindset.

The good news is that we can actually rewire our brains to foster a growth mindset! Dweck provides powerful techniques for doing this. They have proven success in schools all across North America and in organizations. They also have tremendous impact when we integrate them into our own self-talk:

1. Praise wisely – We must focus our praise on process, strategy, effort, focus, perseverance and improvement, such as "You worked really hard on this", "I can tell you spent a lot of time thinking that through" or "Your hard work is paying off". A focus on effort, especially in the face of setback, fosters resiliency.

2. Use Yet or Not Yet – When we phrase progress in this way, it gives people much more confidence, and it encourages more engagement and perseverance.

3. Use "Yes...AND" -- When we reframe our concerns, trouble-shooting, excuses, etc. in this way (vs. "Yes...BUT"), it forces our brains to think creatively and look at what's possible instead of just focusing on the negative. Embracing what's possible allows for forward momentum, and growth.

4. Teach that we can change our mindsets -- Our brains rewire every time we push ourselves out of our comfort zones and try something new! Dweck's studies have proven that when people know how their mindset is changed they actually increase their ability to perform better.

These techniques DO really work...As a former 'fixed mindset gal', I can attest to that! Truly, learning about the growth mindset and mindfully integrating these techniques into my thinking has been game-changing for me.

For one, I have noticed a huge difference in how I approach setbacks. I used to agonize about a failure for an uncomfortably long time, and then I'd come to the conclusion that I was just deeply flawed - and sometimes I'd give up. I now take a deep breath, analyze what went wrong and what I can do differently next time.....and then I let it go. It is so freeing.

There is so much power and possibility in the growth mindset. When we encounter big bumps in the road, they aren't proof that we're on the wrong road or not cut out for the ride, they are just part of our learning on our journey to become the best selves that we are meant to be.

Challenge:  Write a list of things you haven't succeeded in doing that are currently getting you down and making you feel like a failure. For example, I haven't found a life partner. I haven't bought a house. I haven't lost the weight.

After each one, write YET.

Reread your list and notice what happens in your mind and your heart as you do. How do you feel? What's possible from this place of YET?

What is your heart whispering?

"It's impossible," said pride.

"It's risky," said experience,

"It's pointless," said reason.

"Give it a try," whispered the heart.

~Unknown

We all find ways to talk ourselves out of our big dreams. Fear is always at the heart of it, even when the voices are sounding quite logical. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of embarrassment, fear of judgment, fear of no one noticing, fear of putting in lots of work for nothing, fear of never finishing. To name a few. ;-)

These voices get loudest, the bigger the dream or goal and the more it aligns with what your heart wants. The voices have the best of intentions: to keep you safe and comfortable in your living room. But who wants to stay parked on their couch forever? Where's the ALIVENESS and MAGIC in that?

Living a deliberate life is about listening to the heart's call and deciding to answering it.

Challenge: What's your heart whispering for you to try? What's a tiny next step you could take on the path toward it?