Hard choices are a godsend

Do I take Door #1 or Door #2?
Photo credit: two doors by psyberartist is licensed CC BY 2.0

Which career should I pursue? Should I move to a different city or stay put? Which job offer is the better one? Are we better off to buy a new house or renovate an existing one?

These are just some of the hard choices I've had to make over the years, and some of them came with a fair bit of analyzing and agonizing, I'll admit! I'm sure you can think of similar choices that have kept you up at night.

Why are hard choices so hard? I recently came across this Ted Talk by Ruth Chang which answers this question. In it, she articulates the differences between hard and easy choices and points out some assumptions about decision-making which we have in our culture.

We can't assume, for instance, that two options in a hard choice are equal, because when we improve one slightly (eg. one job will now offer us more money), it doesn't make the choice any easier.

We also can't assume that two options in a hard choice can be compared so concretely, like numbers or objects can. They are based on values, like security, adventure, friendship, authenticity.  In each scenario of a hard choice, we are being asked to choose some values over others. This can be really hard, especially when there are perceived trade-offs in other values that are important to us.

So what can we do when faced with a hard choice? Ruth says we can create reasons for ourselves. We can choose which choice we will BE FOR. And in doing so, we create the reasons for ourselves - the why. In this way, we are being deliberate about choosing, not choosing based on the reasons handed to us. We are being the author of our own lives in the space of hard choices.

Challenge:  What hard choice are you struggling with these days?

Take a moment to focus on one alternative at a time, and for each, reflect on the question:
Could I BE FOR this choice? Can I imagine my life with me living as if it was true? When I see myself in this vision, how do I feel about it? Does it light me up? What about myself am I honouring in choosing this path? Or, what am I not honouring?

Let the light in

Love how the light hits your life.
~ Danielle Laporte

Photo Credit: Rise and Shine by Takashi Hososhima is licensed under CC BY 2.0

When I came across this truthbomb by Danielle Laporte one day, I cried.

At the time, I was a new mom, and I was exhausted and hormonal. I was struggling to feed my newborn son without experiencing intense pain. I was also battling with his three-year-old brother on a daily basis about absolutely everything. I felt immense anguish because the U.S. election was happening and climate change was accelerating. I often felt powerless, anxious, angry, and at times, not hopeful for the future. There were moments when I just wanted out.

Yet throughout it all, my newborn son would gift me daily with his smile, a giggle, or the soft touch of his tiny little hand. He is so intensely JOYFUL, and when I had those moments alone with him, those precious gifts would fill my heart and light it right up.

In those moments, I was experiencing where the light was hitting my life, and I felt so loved, so happy, so BLESSED. I would recognize that there was joy nestled inside all the messiness and chaos. And, for a short time at least, I would carry this feeling of gratitude and love with me as I faced the challenges of the day.

I have this quote posted on my mirror now, and each day I'm reminded to notice and treasure the moments of joy in my life.

The truth of this quote is: no matter where we are at, no matter how crazy or mundane our lives may be, there are ALWAYS moments where the light gets in and shines brilliantly. And each time it does, we can choose to notice it, celebrate it, and be so grateful for what's lighting up.

Who do you want to be?

Deliberate living asks us to have a clear idea of who we want to BE in our lives, so that we will have a better sense of what we need to DO to be that person.

In my previous post, I alluded to an exercise in Stephen Covey's book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People that asks you to envision the eulogy for your own funeral.

I came across a similar exercise by Mark Guay a few years ago, which makes this process easier to envision.

Mark has two podcasts called The Traveling Cup and Your Life On Purpose, which I thoroughly enjoy listening to. He also has a companion life plan template that he emails out for free to anyone interested.

In his life plan template, there are ten questions to help you find your purpose, including the following one to help you flesh out what kind of person you want to be:

Be ready to get sentimental. How do you want to be remembered by the following people?

Write this as a freewrite format where you set a 10-minute timer for each question and do not let your fingers stop until the timer goes off. Be automatic in your response and let your heart control the words.

Your Wife/Husband/Partner:

Your Parents:

God(s):

Children:

Friends:

Colleagues:

I prefer this version of the eulogy exercise because imagining what I want specific people to say about me gets me thinking about the different roles I play in life. This helps me articulate how I want to "do" each of those roles. It helps me describe how I want to be with each person. And, most importantly, it highlights all my good qualities I'm currently sharing with others, as well as the qualities I wish to change or develop.

Photo credit: Aspire to be better by Tonja is licensed under CC BY 2.0

In having each person remember qualities about me, I am pointed to things I have done or might do that illustrate those qualities. So, I can start to see the habits, behaviours and mindsets I need to foster NOW as well as the activities I might start doing that will help me live my life in the way I desire.

This exercise can give you a solid road map for how you want to show up in the world.

Challenge: Complete the above exercise. Circle the words and phrases that describe how you want BE today and brainstorm ideas for things you might DO to be that person.

A deliberate life is about choosing

deliberate
adjective

1     Done consciously and intentionally.
2     Careful and unhurried.
2.1  Fully considered; not impulsive.

~ Oxford Dictionary

If you're like me, you might pause at the word "deliberate" being used in the wider context of your Life. At first, the idea of consciously choosing how to experience my life seemed exciting yet incredibly hard to imagine.

In the past, I often felt I was 'running on a treadmill', trying to deal with an incredibly demanding job, a mountain of daily tasks, plenty of obligations and projects, and later, all that goes along with caring for a baby. I felt resentful of all that prevented me from taking time for myself, following my passions, and nurturing the important relationships in my life.

Whenever I start to feel like life is happening “to me”, I often re-read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. I still remember the first time I read it, as it was a huge a-ha moment for me. It was the first time I really understood that I ALWAYS have the power to choose.

In explaining the first habit, "Be Proactive", Covey points out that "responsible" is made up of "response" and "able". In other words, we are able to choose our response in any given moment. That means, when we opt for spending time in front of the TV, we are also choosing not to work on our favourite hobby that renews us.

Even more empowering, in my opinion, is that we can also choose how we feel about what we do or don't do. We can choose to feel resentful when someone asks for a favour, or we can feel grateful for the opportunity to help out and nurture a relationship. We can let someone's behaviour or comments annoy the heck out of us, or let it "roll off our backs." We can choose to feel defeated by a bad turn of events, or choose to look for the gift in it.

In the next habit, "Begin with the End in Mind," Covey leads the reader through the uncomfortable task of envisioning one's own funeral. Imagining what you want people to say about you provides a clear road map for the kind of person you choose to be today and how you decide to spend your time.

The third habit, "Put First Things First", gets you to take stock of the things that matter the most to you -- your values -- and it shows you how to make choices based on putting those things first, even when faced with other conflicting obligations and events.

The first three habits lead to Independence and are the foundation for living a Deliberate Life. The next four habits foster Interdependence -- which I won't get into today -- and  allow you to deepen your relationships and pursue your life purpose.

Pretty powerful stuff, huh? Over the years, I think I have re-read those first three habits at least a dozen times. Every time, I work hard to put the habits into practice, and they change my life significantly.

Each choice you make in service of what matters to you is one deliberate step along the path you want for your life.

You always have a choice in how to respond to what life gives you.
Photo credit: "Fork in the road" by Wonderlane is licensed under CC BY 2.

My offering to the world

You can choose to follow your heart always.

~ Miguel Angel Ruiz

Ever feel like daily life keeps getting in the way of your happiness? Or, that you’re stuck in a rut and you’re not sure what to do if/when you eventually get out?

This blog is about living with intention. It’s about designing the life you want to live and deciding how you want to show up in the world each day.

Each week I will be sharing my favourite books, podcasts, exercises, quotes and more to get you thinking about how you intend to live your life.

Let’s face it -- it’s verrry easy to get caught up in being busy. We all race from one obligation to the next and may begin to feel resentful of the demands being made on our time. We find ourselves acting – and reacting – in ways that don’t serve us, or those around us. And, we may wonder, what it is all for? What path are we on anyway? When was the last time we actually did something that made us truly happy?

I am no stranger to this struggle. My bumpy journey has led me to work with a life coach on several occasions, and what has followed has been a path of deep self-exploration and the discovery of my life purpose. I am excited to share with you the resources that have helped me along the way.

Last June I completed my 6-month certification program to become a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach (CPCC). As a coach, I am devoted to helping you embrace the truth of who you really are, clarify your compelling life purpose and learn how to “get out of your own way” so you can follow your heart.

And no, even though I'm a life coach, I haven't got my life all figured out. There are times when I find myself back on the old ‘treadmill of life’ instead of the path I wish to be on. I can still go on autopilot instead of choosing my responses and actions. And I continue to battle things that threaten to keep me at a standstill, like perfectionism, fear of failure, and lack of confidence.

The truth of the matter is, I will forever be a work-in-progress like everyone else. Our imperfections and unfinished-ness is what makes us human!

Being on a journey of self-exploration and deliberate action makes life so much richer. The more I get to know myself and push the limits of what I thought I was capable of, the more my purpose evolves and deepens. And I can choose to spend each moment of my day doing things in service of who I want to become.

This is my offering to the world.

What do want YOUR offering be?